Diagnosis: Christianity

I'm a bit Christian, maybe.
I m sorry to admit such a thing.
When I refer to Christianity, I mean a way of thinking, of moving through life, that isn't really present.
So of course I use "Christian" lightly. (And shouldn't we all use Christians lightly?)

"When did you first begin to think you might be Christian?"
-Well I was thinking about how I always am looking forward to something else. Like Irina in Chekov's "3 Sisters." Ah to Moscow to Moscow! Ah to Heaven to Heaven. Or in my case: "Ah to France/China/some new grant scheme...."

"Are people born Christian, or is it something that happens to them in their early adulthood."
-There isn't yet enough scientific evidence to support that people have a "Christian gene," but maybe it is a cultural deficiency. I am from the United States, after all. And with a broken home to boot, my family is far from one of great moral integrity. Yes, I think my Christian tendencies got going somewhere in my early life. I was always looking forward to something else because what I am doing is so unsatisfying. Yeah. And the Christian agenda certainly doesn't help.

"Christian agenda? You believe there is a Christian agenda?"
-Google "focus on the Family." Of course there is a Christian agenda. No sex. No regular indulgence of alcohol. No mastrubation. No gluttony. These pleasures make life beautiful, make us stop and smell the roses. The Christians would have us all living in some nightmarish Norman Rockwell painting. The American Fundies, anyways.

"You're changing the subject."
-Fair enough. So the point I was making is that I am a bit Christian because I am not really alive in this life, I am always looking ahead to something else. I threw away an entire year of my life looking ahead to the next one, in fact.

"Do you believe that Chrisitianity can be cured?"
-It's a slow and painful process. And you have to want to be cured. Changes won't happen overnight. A lot of people claim to be ex-Christians but eventually fall back into their evil ways again...praying and fasting in hope of enjoying the life to come. Telling themselves that their rewards will come to them in Heaven...really it is a sort of disease, I think. A disease of the mind. Early childhood developmental problems, perhaps? It's dfficult to say.


But this is how I keep myself from living my life.